Dear Theoretical Kid,
Sometimes I like to pretend that the reason I don’t understand sports is that I’m British and I don’t have the time for such frivolous things. But then I remember that I’m not British at all. I’m just BBC impaired(a condition that arises when you grow up on a steady diet of British films instead of American ones). The truth of the matter is that I don’t know anything about sports because neither my parents or my brothers were ever interested in sports. My brothers did play basketball briefly in high school, but the rules were never explained to me (probably because I was too impatient to listen). As I grew older, I had plenty of opportunities to attend my own high school’s sports events. I declined however, because it always seemed like that was something that the popular kids did and I didn’t see myself in that group. I was shy, okay? I didn’t make friends all that easily.
Now I’m kind of regretting that because I don’t know if the correct terminology is “Super Bowl”, “Superbowl”, “super bowl”, “superbowl”, or “Sup Bo”. That last one is meant to be said the same way a cool person would say “‘Sup, bro” but without the “r.” Google has been unable to help me on that score and I didn’t feel comfortable asking my co-workers because I thought they might give me one of those You’re-Kidding-Right? looks.
In any case, I finally found the Super Bowl (?) website and they had this really handy looking tab labeled GUIDE. I was really hoping that it would be a whole section containing information on how to watch the game like a regular person. Unfortunately it was just a bunch of worthless info for all the people who are physically attending the game tomorrow (like how to get to the stadium, etc.). So now I have a mini pizza and some ice cream for tomorrow. I hope that’s appropriate food to eat during a football game. I know that pizza is Italian and I should be eating hot dogs but, you know what? I don’t actually like hot dogs very much. They just taste cheap. I’m sorry kid, but you’re growing up on bratwurst and kielbasa, or nothing at all. I know you’ll feel deprived by that, but you’re just going to have to deal until you get a job and can buy your own food. Until then, I rule the kitchen.
P.S. I can’t actually cook.