Dear Theoretical Future Kid,
You’ll be pleased to hear right off the bat that your future mom (in theory) is a total nutcase. Exhibit A: last night I burst into tears for no reason at all while I was sitting on my bed. The result was that I instantly wondered if I might be a little bit crazy and that caused me to cry a little bit more. And then I realized that I’m just hormonal because I’m going to start my period any day now and that I’m just the poster child for PMS. (This is something that I already knew, but somehow I’m surprised by the fact once a month).
You know that show How I Met Your Mother and how it’s about this dude telling a story to his kids about his past? (I know you know what I’m talking about because I’ve already decided that we’re totally going to have all night binge marathons when you get to be, say, ten or so). Well this blog thing is more like me telling the future you (at this point you’re just a theory, sorry) all about what an idiot I am. Because, well, I grew up thinking that my parents were perfect and that kind of really messed me up (talk about an inferiority complex). So, to avoid that mistake, I plan to give you a blow-by-blow of what your (theoretical) mom was like in her twenties. A basket-case, apparently.
Right now I’m a twenty-three year-old with a couple worthless years of community college education under her belt. I work at a grocery store. I’m officially the dumbest person I know. Most moms wait until their kid is in high school to start pestering them about college and the importance of getting an education. You’re either really fortunate or incredibly unlucky because you don’t even exist yet and I’m already obsessed with the thought that you get a first-rate education. So, in order not to be a hypocrite, my first order of business will be to get the hell out of the little town that I live in and go back to college. I’ll get a real degree. I’ll hang the damn thing on the wall. And you’re going to grow up using printed out pictures of graduate degrees as scrap paper to color on.
P.S. I swear not to be a helicopter mom, I just don’t want you to have the same Early-Twenties-Idiot experience that I have. Trust me, it doesn’t do anything for the self-esteem to have people coming through the check out line ask you what college you’re going to and not being able to answer them without cringing at your own foolishness.